


the things that ruined you

by thimble



Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Character Study, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-09-06
Updated: 2017-09-06
Packaged: 2018-12-24 13:21:01
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 689
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12013617
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/thimble/pseuds/thimble
Summary: You've found somewhere you belonged, yet she speaks, with all certainty, that the only place you ought to be is by her side.She's not wrong. When she sets a fire beneath your soles you dance right into her hands, all according to plan. You can't bring yourself to hate her for it.She cornered you into letting go of the only thing that's ever made you happy, but she still chose you.





	the things that ruined you

your smile rivals the sun; bright, blinding, and it says only one thing.  
  
'look at me.'  
  
growing up your aura is a pale pink, a flower barely bloomed, soft with the intent to be loud, wanting attention yet waning among six other identical faces. you can't say you hate your sisters. they're family, and nothing can change that.  
  
you can't say you quite love them either. it would be like loving your own reflection, and you can't bring yourself to do that to something so common.  
  
it takes you a few years and a few sprained wrists from practicing handstands, but you finally accept that you will never catch your parents' eyes, not in the way you need them to.  
  
so if not them, then an audience. a thousand gazes to replace the ones you can't have.  
  
i'm happy, you think, the first time you finish an act to thunderous applause. you pick up one of the flowers thrown at your feet and the smell of it induces tears, the sweet and self-affirming kind. i'm actually happy.  
  


* * *

  
  
when you stand beside azula your aura turns a shade darker; still pink, but not petal-pink, not circus pink. it's pink like a newly-raised welt, pink like the blush that rises to your cheeks whenever she looks at you. you've never met anyone so put-together, so perfect, so utterly herself.   
  
she makes you want to try harder. even when she pushes you down, you pull yourself up, good as new, except for the dirt on your clothes. it's a small price to pay for being handpicked by the princess, the most beautiful and talented girl in the land and beyond.   
  
you've never felt so special, like you're finally your own person.  
  
you miss her, at times, when you've parted ways, though the circus occupies most of your thoughts. every step on the tightrope is a step towards the clouds, every swing on the trapeze an imitation of flight.   
  
(birds don't have to worry about being singular when their wings set them apart.)  
  
then, it turns out, you didn't have to miss her at all.  
  
she walks into the tent as if she owns it—and you—and asks you for something you're not quite willing to give, not yet. you've found somewhere you belonged, yet she speaks, with all certainty, that the only place you ought to be is by her side.  
  
she's not wrong. when she sets a fire beneath your soles you dance right into her hands, all according to plan. you can't bring yourself to hate her for it.  
  
she cornered you into letting go of the only thing that's ever made you happy, but she still chose you.  
  


* * *

  
  
you never thought you'd see the day mai's aura stops being a dingy, pasty gray, and yet here she is, burning a defiant, lovelorn red. you've always known her feelings for zuko are the strongest in her arsenal; you never thought they'd be enough to betray azula.  
  
you never thought anyone would betray azula, period.  
  
you surprise yourself when you become the second person to do it, without a thought in your head. you don't think of what you're throwing away, you don't think of facing the consequences of her rage. you don't think of how much you adore this girl as much as you fear her.   
  
all you know is that you've already lost one friend. you can't bear to lose another.  
  
you move instinctively, two hits in the right places. you've done it countless times before to countless enemies, and then she's on the ground within seconds, no longer so proud and dignified. you did that to her.  
  
your window for escape closes within seconds, too. with your arms behind your back and an army's worth of blades trained on your throat, with her eyes trained on you like she'd like nothing more than to set you aflame, you've never been so singled out.  
  
just like you always wanted.  
  
this is the last time you might ever see each other, yet with the smile banished from your lips your face says only one thing:  
  
'don't look at me.'


End file.
